Vignette #8

Let's talk about how you're feeling today.

Um...okay. I guess that's why I'm here. I'm feeling okay.

Silence

What do you mean by 'okay'?

I'm fine. Just okay.

How would you like today to go?

I don't know. I'm not sure what to expect.

We're here today to help you. But in order to do that, you need to say a little more. How are you really feeling?

Silence

I feel everything. Everything from sadness to anger to loneliness. I feel everything. But happy.

Okay. Do you want to run me through these emotions?

I feel sad in the mornings and I then go for a run and the sadness becomes anger which I pound into the pavement. And when I get home, I feel lonely because I've just fought an emotional battle on my own and there's no one there to help me.

Do you know where these emotions come from?

They come from  inside me - the very core of me. It's turmoil all the time. I can't help it.

Silence

Would you like to talk me through the running?

Twiddling of thumbs

It's...it's how I punish myself but reward myself at the same time...a reward because it gives me a chance to battle the feelings and kill the anger. But it's a punishment at the same time because I know I'm hurting myself. I like the pain of running with my injured ankle and the pain of running on an empty stomach. It's an accomplishment. I really do...like it.

Do you think you could be relapsing?

Silence

I don't know.