Dear Higher Being,
Are You there? Are You
listening?
I have a question
which has lain in remission
almost dormant in my mind.
Can You take us by the hand
give us hope and love
and the faith of
perhaps, a believer?
I don't know Higher Being,
but I don't have time to question
whether You're really there.
Because I need Your help
to guide the friend who knows that
You are there, in the minds of all
harbouring warmth and care
and ultimately, unprecedented
love.
I know You're there,
holding the hands of believers
(if not mine)
and although I do not believe
I will give prayer
for the friend who follows
in your grace, so that You can be
with her,
to give her faith,
to give her hope
and ultimately...
....to give her love.
☺
Monday 30 April 2012
Saturday 28 April 2012
Thursday 26 April 2012
Hanging
Tell me if you know about death.
...
I didn't think so. Well, neither I nor the others know about it
...
I suppose it's silence, death - the non-existence of me, you or the world. I wonder where consciousness goes. Perhaps it fades, dims - I want to say it dies, but that's barely descriptive.
...
Piercing eyes, glare down on me. Is that God? I don't know...I don't know whether to believe in him or shirk this higher being as nothing but a figment of my morale imagination. What do you think?
...
No opinion, eh? Let's start again, do you know what's in death?
Nothing
I imagined so. I guess you agree with me when I say: there is nothing in our future. We are headed to nothing...and we will become nothing .
Yes we are headed to nothing. We leave everything in life for nothing in death...
...but isn't it nice not to have burdens, pain and sorrow? Think of the darkness which you can have all to yourself in which neither societies nor laws exist and with its absence brings absolute freedom and tranquility.
And the loved ones...
They don't exist. What's there to miss or mourn when, all you know in death, is solitude, peaceful solitude.
Question your concept of darkness; question your concept of black death; question your desire for nothingness - it's so rewarding - so, so, so rewarding.
...
I didn't think so. Well, neither I nor the others know about it
...
I suppose it's silence, death - the non-existence of me, you or the world. I wonder where consciousness goes. Perhaps it fades, dims - I want to say it dies, but that's barely descriptive.
...
Piercing eyes, glare down on me. Is that God? I don't know...I don't know whether to believe in him or shirk this higher being as nothing but a figment of my morale imagination. What do you think?
...
No opinion, eh? Let's start again, do you know what's in death?
Nothing
I imagined so. I guess you agree with me when I say: there is nothing in our future. We are headed to nothing...and we will become nothing .
Yes we are headed to nothing. We leave everything in life for nothing in death...
...but isn't it nice not to have burdens, pain and sorrow? Think of the darkness which you can have all to yourself in which neither societies nor laws exist and with its absence brings absolute freedom and tranquility.
And the loved ones...
They don't exist. What's there to miss or mourn when, all you know in death, is solitude, peaceful solitude.
Question your concept of darkness; question your concept of black death; question your desire for nothingness - it's so rewarding - so, so, so rewarding.
***
A body hangs from the tree in the park. Its dark silhouette looms at the corner of the eye, and catches the attention and fear of others. It swings in the wind, waving farewell while mocking the others who could only stare in horror.
Tuesday 24 April 2012
Misled
What did you say to the dead boy?
You whispered something. Don't lie.
Blood trickled onto tar and you are left standing there...shocked? Sad? Indifferent?
Indifferent. I thought so. You feel neither guilt nor remorse. It's like you planned the death of this child whose eyes are now empty and devoid of essence.
But the music plays in heaven - and the child looks down to see you still on earth - still mortal - and that's what you deserve to be for the rest of your life. Unfortunately for this child, whose hand you once held, and misled onto a busy road, he will forever remember you and want you to cuddle him for you are his father who he loved in life and now can only hate in death.
"I won't let you go"
You whispered something. Don't lie.
Blood trickled onto tar and you are left standing there...shocked? Sad? Indifferent?
Indifferent. I thought so. You feel neither guilt nor remorse. It's like you planned the death of this child whose eyes are now empty and devoid of essence.
But the music plays in heaven - and the child looks down to see you still on earth - still mortal - and that's what you deserve to be for the rest of your life. Unfortunately for this child, whose hand you once held, and misled onto a busy road, he will forever remember you and want you to cuddle him for you are his father who he loved in life and now can only hate in death.
"I won't let you go"
Saturday 21 April 2012
Pay
Churches stand attention
for God is coming, and
he is searching for death
and sin. But never did He look
high nor low for the ones
who play love like a game.
Take a stand, cowards!
Your faith is frail in His hands.
You cannot escape this
and repentance is nothing
but a futile attempt
at reclaiming life.
Justify nothing, you shall
because justice is only
for the innocent
(which you are not)
so you will forever have
sin and death
and hell
where you will go.
for God is coming, and
he is searching for death
and sin. But never did He look
high nor low for the ones
who play love like a game.
Take a stand, cowards!
Your faith is frail in His hands.
You cannot escape this
and repentance is nothing
but a futile attempt
at reclaiming life.
Justify nothing, you shall
because justice is only
for the innocent
(which you are not)
so you will forever have
sin and death
and hell
where you will go.
Wednesday 18 April 2012
Wrong
Twiddling thumbs by the Wey River, I hang my head down. I wasn't expecting anyone but I wished I were. It was all hopeless, knowing that I'd done wrong and not been able to fix it.
A boat chugs down the Wey River. It disperses the gaggle of ducks which were swimming peacefully.
The realisation of futility dawned upon me; I can't fix things - I can't fix the mistakes I made and my conscience and others' consciences were judging me. You're so stupid - so damn stupid.
A boat chugs down the Wey River. It disperses the gaggle of ducks which were swimming peacefully.
The realisation of futility dawned upon me; I can't fix things - I can't fix the mistakes I made and my conscience and others' consciences were judging me. You're so stupid - so damn stupid.
Monday 16 April 2012
Parking Lots
The car chugged heavily under me. I can feel it - it chugged, vibrated, and groaned but I remained steadfast that I was going to find a space. My eyes scanned the dim parking lot for an empty slot for which I could park my car in. The only source of light was the overhead fluorescent bulbs, which threw a disgusting bluish-white hue over all that I could see.
Even as I steered the car into the next row of parking lots, I had a feeling that it was going to be futile. It was the kind of futility which is usually accompanied by the monotony of consistent failure. I had been in this blooming parking lot for almost an hour now - it's just been row after row of fruitlessness.
I eventually reached a point where giving up was not an option (despite my lack of hope). I had invested too much effort and time in this and I found myself zooming up and down obsessively looking for this space which I desired. No luck. Every turn yielded more disappointed and my lack of progress was killing me. But of course, that's when I spot it - an empty space and god did I relish this seemingly triumphant moment.
I positioned the car quickly in front of this space to make sure that other desperate drivers knew that it was taken. And as I snorted in pride at the other forlorn drivers, I adjusted the car to ensure smooth parking. I reversed and found my bumper up against a pillar.
Damn my (non-existent) driving skills!
I tried one more time.
No. Another miss.
I had driven into the pillar again.
Come on. I want this space. I really want it.
Pillar.
No! I want to get in! Damn it!
Pillar.
Come on!
And I was in. I turned the engine off and found myself exhausted. The whole thing seemed so climatic in my head. Never in my life had something as trivial as finding a space to park seem so significant as it had then. I laid back and let out a sigh. It was over. I got out of the car and left smiling, knowing that this space was hard-earned and deserved.
It's now been three days since that little event. And god, how my triumph then seems so pathetic now.
Even as I steered the car into the next row of parking lots, I had a feeling that it was going to be futile. It was the kind of futility which is usually accompanied by the monotony of consistent failure. I had been in this blooming parking lot for almost an hour now - it's just been row after row of fruitlessness.
I eventually reached a point where giving up was not an option (despite my lack of hope). I had invested too much effort and time in this and I found myself zooming up and down obsessively looking for this space which I desired. No luck. Every turn yielded more disappointed and my lack of progress was killing me. But of course, that's when I spot it - an empty space and god did I relish this seemingly triumphant moment.
I positioned the car quickly in front of this space to make sure that other desperate drivers knew that it was taken. And as I snorted in pride at the other forlorn drivers, I adjusted the car to ensure smooth parking. I reversed and found my bumper up against a pillar.
Damn my (non-existent) driving skills!
I tried one more time.
No. Another miss.
I had driven into the pillar again.
Come on. I want this space. I really want it.
Pillar.
No! I want to get in! Damn it!
Pillar.
Come on!
And I was in. I turned the engine off and found myself exhausted. The whole thing seemed so climatic in my head. Never in my life had something as trivial as finding a space to park seem so significant as it had then. I laid back and let out a sigh. It was over. I got out of the car and left smiling, knowing that this space was hard-earned and deserved.
It's now been three days since that little event. And god, how my triumph then seems so pathetic now.
Saturday 14 April 2012
Jom Main
Playing games on a different field,
destined to lose by a mile;
however, what was there for yield
but the glory and of a child
which would soon end up in a pile.
Kita berpantun melafazkan hati
but who am I kidding
considering no one will listen to me;
never to be heard
or taken seriously.
Decrepit and abandoned
saya berdiri sendiri
sambil bermain emosi
that shouldn't have existed
on a lonely evening with tea.
destined to lose by a mile;
however, what was there for yield
but the glory and of a child
which would soon end up in a pile.
Kita berpantun melafazkan hati
but who am I kidding
considering no one will listen to me;
never to be heard
or taken seriously.
Decrepit and abandoned
saya berdiri sendiri
sambil bermain emosi
that shouldn't have existed
on a lonely evening with tea.
Friday 13 April 2012
Captures not
Knowing
never really helped.
Still groping in the dark
looking ever so depressed
knowing that
she did not know
would only suffice
to kill. But yet,
the darkness looms
and blossoms not
into spring but
into a second winter.
Snow darkens the sun
and breaks down again
into nothing which can be
held or loved or helped.
And so be the creature
who dies alone
in metaphorical winter
which captures
no imagination and
no hearts
for which to love it so.
never really helped.
Still groping in the dark
looking ever so depressed
knowing that
she did not know
would only suffice
to kill. But yet,
the darkness looms
and blossoms not
into spring but
into a second winter.
Snow darkens the sun
and breaks down again
into nothing which can be
held or loved or helped.
And so be the creature
who dies alone
in metaphorical winter
which captures
no imagination and
no hearts
for which to love it so.
July 10, 2008
I think reality just slapped me in the face. I'm still amidst my
holiday spirit but I've just realised that I have a lot more to do than I
thought I did.
I have to do UCAS. I have to study for History AS. I have to start work on Math. I have to write essays for Tiow. I have to do my attachment. I have to find and file up all my papers. I have to mentally and EMOTIONALLY prepare myself for the horror which comes in the form of AS results.
I have to do all that. You may think that, considering I have a month, I should have more than enough time but let me run you through HOW it has to be done.
UCAS will need me to go through all my past achievements and write a god damn personal statement. Considering the fact that I don't have an impressive resume, I have to write down every little particle of achievement I can find.
HISTORY AS is in November and I know balls about Singapore and it's kiasu-ism.
TIOW'S ESSAYS will take some time because I need to analyse the weaknesses within my previous essays and it is essential that I get them right this time.
ATTACHMENT will take 2 weeks. I also have to decide whether I should do a law attachment or a psychology one.
FILING UP SHIT will take forever cause' my papers are e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e
AS RESULTS are out on the 10th of August (I think) and I don't think I'm ready to face my results especially Stats.
I'm nervous as hell....
shit
I have to do UCAS. I have to study for History AS. I have to start work on Math. I have to write essays for Tiow. I have to do my attachment. I have to find and file up all my papers. I have to mentally and EMOTIONALLY prepare myself for the horror which comes in the form of AS results.
I have to do all that. You may think that, considering I have a month, I should have more than enough time but let me run you through HOW it has to be done.
UCAS will need me to go through all my past achievements and write a god damn personal statement. Considering the fact that I don't have an impressive resume, I have to write down every little particle of achievement I can find.
HISTORY AS is in November and I know balls about Singapore and it's kiasu-ism.
TIOW'S ESSAYS will take some time because I need to analyse the weaknesses within my previous essays and it is essential that I get them right this time.
ATTACHMENT will take 2 weeks. I also have to decide whether I should do a law attachment or a psychology one.
FILING UP SHIT will take forever cause' my papers are e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e
AS RESULTS are out on the 10th of August (I think) and I don't think I'm ready to face my results especially Stats.
I'm nervous as hell....
shit
Thursday 12 April 2012
Perfect
I stare at my bowl of salad.
Every leaf of lettuce matters.
Every slice of tomato is crucial..
Every drop of dressing is calculated...
My life is perfect. Down to the last gram.
Numbers flash around in my hazy head as I attempt to deduct and omit more by each passing day
- smaller lettuce leaves tomorrow
- thinner slices of tomato tomorrow
- no dressing tomorrow.
My life is perfect. Down to the last drop.
I have no time for friends - I spend my time feeding my obsession with hunger and oh how I love the thought of self-devour. It's such a powerful feeling.
Right, so, tomorrow there will be
- smaller lettuce leaves
- thinner slices of tomato
- no dressing (just salt and pepper...a lot of salt)
But if I feel like I can push myself further, I'll do even better than that...I'll make it perfect
No salad.
Every leaf of lettuce matters.
Every slice of tomato is crucial..
Every drop of dressing is calculated...
My life is perfect. Down to the last gram.
Numbers flash around in my hazy head as I attempt to deduct and omit more by each passing day
- smaller lettuce leaves tomorrow
- thinner slices of tomato tomorrow
- no dressing tomorrow.
My life is perfect. Down to the last drop.
I have no time for friends - I spend my time feeding my obsession with hunger and oh how I love the thought of self-devour. It's such a powerful feeling.
Right, so, tomorrow there will be
- smaller lettuce leaves
- thinner slices of tomato
- no dressing (just salt and pepper...a lot of salt)
But if I feel like I can push myself further, I'll do even better than that...I'll make it perfect
No salad.
Sunday 1 April 2012
Subtly Forgotten
September returns
in time. The leaves brown
and die, almost like
a foreshadowing of the death
of one year gone. Livid
with disappointment and talk,
so many reasons to leave;
almost like a confusion of love
which was never to be conceived
in time. The leaves brown
and die, almost like
a foreshadowing of the death
of one year gone. Livid
with disappointment and talk,
so many reasons to leave;
almost like a confusion of love
which was never to be conceived
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)