People of the Past

I dropped the box of photographs as I was tidying up the room.

Photographs spilled out of the box and lay splayed out on the floor. They spread out like branches on a tree, the one closest to me being the earliest photo I had of myself.

2006
I was sat on a friend's bed smiling, with my glasses askew (typical of a 15-year-old who couldn't give two fucks about looking stupid in a photo). I only ever smiled for photos.

2007
I was stood amongst my classmates. My hair was a mess and I had displayed a small smirk on my face. A time hardly worth doumenting, admist preparations for my GCSEs - Eleven subjects: Malay Language, English Language, English Literature, English for Science and Technology, Modern Mathematics, Additional Mathematics, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, History, Moral Studies - I got 4 As.

2008
I was standing on the beach with five others. We were at camp. Sunburned and tired, we looked as limp as a the seaweed clumped at our feet. I could already see the weariness in my eyes.

2009
Last day of boarding school. In the background, I could see a friend crying and hugging fellow junior boarders. In contrast, I was sat on a bench, smiling meekly, eyes dead.

2010
I was stood with friends in the kitchen of one of the student halls. Toilet paper lay strewn around us. Too much of a good night perhaps? But I looked at me - it was like I wasn't even there. Eyes dead, body limp - I could only ever just manage to smile for photos.

There are no photos of myself for 2011. All I had as proof of my existence were the countless photos of everything but myself - trees, squirrels, buildings, random passer-bys. I spend so much time hidden behind the lens but it's where I feel safest. I don't need to be reminded of how I've changed.

I pile up the photos once more and place the photo of myself from 2006 on the top - that's the only photos worth remembering - goofy teenager, glasses askew, deceiving the world with nothing but a smile.