Consider this for a moment:
God says to you that faith controls everything. If you pass your exam, it's not because you worked hard but because God wanted you to. If you fall into a hole and lose your limb, it's not because you were careless but because God wanted you to.
So I suppose God wanted me to go for two blood tests...to have both my arms jabbed with a small cylindrical tube to draw 6ml of blood out of me on both occasions. Sigh....I'm tired, God. I really am. If everything is down to you, I shouldn't be blamed for a low WBC count or the depressed face I have on every other day because it isn't my fault...you just wanted it that way.
Am I going to UK then? I don't want to play games any more. I'm sorry for the people around me who have to put up with my inability to get better or be a better person. I'm sorry that I've disappointed. I'm even more sorry that I've to be dependent. I'm GUILTY for being a slave to "faith". I'm feeling this way because God wanted me to isn't it?
I want to say "I wish I were dead" but I can't because that'd not only make me an ass of a sadist but also because I love this life too much. But these games I've had to play....I can't take it any more. I want to live without these things. I really do. I'd shoot myself if that's the way to make everything go back to normal. But I suppose, if I were to shoot myself, I'd be dead.
Mother and father aren't happy. I'm not happy. Faith's made me fork out more money than I'd ever want to. The blood tests, the consultations, the treatments, the injections, the costs of my weekly travels to the medical facilities...materialistically, it's depriving. Emotionally, it's depressing. Physically, it's draining. I literally barely made it into bed last night. What's next dammit...Can't get into the UK because immigration won't let me into the UK in my state. I've got the grades, the uni, the money(sorta) but not the clean bill of health required....??
I dunno.....I'll leave it to faith....
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