The Most Romantic Time

Being alive is like being in your house, your home. You live in the comfort of consciousness and within the familiarity of reality. You waltz in and out of each room as you flit in between different aspects of your life - work, family friends - and every now and then something grows in each room as you get older. However, when it is time for all of it to end, you know it is time to step out the front door and never return. As you approach the door, the walls crack and the ceiling leaks. The colour begins to melt away and the furniture, the memories, start to creak and break down. How does it feel to open that door and look out into the unknown? How does it feel to put one foot out the door but still have the other one still inside, clinging to life? But when you let go and relinquish your life to its mortality, is there not a final merge of life with death as you slip out the door? How does it feel to let go of life and venture into death?

xx

Tight-rope

My sanity seems to be digging it's heels into the ground and getting ready for the war ahead. I tread the fine line which separates the good and the bad, and the rational and the irrational. I tip over every now and then onto the darker side of the two but always manage to pull myself back onto the line. That's right, I never allow myself to go full on into the right side of things. I always need to be on that line - that bloody imaginary line which only I seem to believe exists. So if that line didn't exist what would happen? Would right blur unexpectedly into wrong? Would I be split between the two, toppling over from the lack of a guide? No...I would fall off the dimension completely and will keep falling until I find another dimension to land on - another dimension which has a distinct line.

Over the Line

It feel like I doubled over at a few crossroads and hesitated to cross the train tracks - and when I did try to cross the train tracks, I was run over by the oncomig train. Basically, I was hit by misfortune despite my efforts. In any case there seems to be a misunderstanding about the "you'll get what you deserve" concept. Unfortunately for us, nature didn't adopt that concept and it is only part of humanity's fallacies. Justice and fairness isn't a reality - it's a morality...and unfortunately it's probably the most ludicrous expectation we could possibly have.

Should I forget?

There are whispers and snickers which I could here from my seat.


I can hear what they are saying about me - it was in a tone which was more condescending than undserstanding. Makes me wonder whether I was meant to forget and move on...

Unbelievably long ago.

I'm reading studies which go back as far as the 1930s and I think How can anyone think about children relationships with their parents when the world was in the brink of a disaster.

I hold the perception that pehaps these psychologists are just so deep in their theories and their studies that the world did not matter to them


Fast forward to the 1990s, and I read studies by Pons on brain lesions in rats and the multitude of detailed analysis he and colleagues about the brain and I think Oh my god. All this goes on and I'm ony just born at that time. Unbelievable

Enter the 20th century and there's a study by Defeyter and German about how children perceive their environment in terms of functional fixedness. Defeyter & German (2000). The year 2000? I was only 9 years old - sitting in a small dusty classroom with 30 other students. The only thing I was probably thinking about that time was what show I was going to watch on the telly when I got home.

Now, I sit in front of my laptop while listening to James Blunt's "These are the Words". I am away from home and on my own, reading all these studies which have fought the arguments against them and travelled through unscaved throught time's void. Now they are finding their way into my undestanding but I still think: Some of these were dated to before my existence. Those that were...well..I never thought I'd be reading about them now, almost 20 years since my birth.

That was an unbelievably long time.

Time Travel - Blogs and More

I revisited my old blog and had a good laugh at the times in which my frame of mind and perceptions were completely different to how they are now.

I ravelled in my sarcasm (though I still do) and took the piss out of anyone who was close to me. I wonder how the world put up with me. I don't doubt that I was funny but I was horrendously detached from everyone. Sort of how you'd imagine the lonely character hiding away in the corner, murmuring to himself about everyone else.

So days have changed. And things are no longer the way they used to be. Not a particularly bad thing but it does indicate a somewhat changed me. I don't want to say I have matured because I don't think that was what it really is...I'd say I have changed.

Glad to note however that sarcasm remains alive and well 

Stupid Girl

The inhabitants of my head are telling me that things are going wrong. I don't have the books I need for revision, I don't have a proper plan for my future and I don't have any drive to make things better. Surely there's something wrong. But I think the most painful thing is that nobody knows that things are in fact taking a turn for the worse. I'm alone in this, and alone in this feeling of guilt, frustration and anger. If only I never went down this route and if only I had known earlier on how stupid I really was.