Everyone else's interests are gibberish in my head. I can hear them jabbering on about their lives and their problems but I sit silent. I listen to my breath and watch it condense into vapour and diminish in front of me. If only I could diminish just like that. It's not like I was ever there to begin with.
I open my mouth in preparation for speech but close it again. I have nothing that would interest anyone else. It's like the words died within me; it's like language was depleting in function; it's like everything was dying.
Someone up there obviously hates me. I was so close to ending all of this but yet, having swum half way up that river, a wave came and threw me back onto the banks of the river - back to the start and having to try swimming again but this time bruised and battered.
I watch from the banks how close I really was to the end and how I am so 'lucky to be alive' but I want to keep swimming until I reach the end, and have a current pull me under, drown me. But I must swim away from everyone and leave on my own and overcome the currents which push me back and the people who have tied ropes around my ankles to pull me back. It's a journey I want so badly to commit to and in time, will be able to.
I hope that undercurrent is still as strong as ever
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